Fullmetal Randomness
by Crazy-Alchemist
Summary: This was something that I randomly wrote because I was bored. I dunno, I might write more if I get enough reviews. R
1. Shiny Rock Day

Fullmetal Randomness

By: CrazyAlchemist

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. I can't even afford to buy a shell of Hawkeye's gun.

This story is just randomness that I made up about FMA!

Chapter 1: Shiny Rock Day

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Roy Mustang was just trying to enjoy his day when… Edward Elric burst in, his pockets full to the top…with rocks.

"Hello Colonel!" yelled Ed.

" What is it Fullmetal?" asked Roy, not looking up from his paperwork.

"Today is shiny rock day!" said Ed.

" Hmm? How nice?" asked Roy.

"I brought you one," said Ed.

"Thanks…I think…" said Roy, accepting his rock.

"Hooray! I should go give some rocks to all of Eastern Headquarters!" yelled Ed.

Roy Mustang then woke up suddenly.

"Hmm. That was a really weird dream. Oh well… Today is Shiny Rock Day and I have some rocks to give out." Said Roy, as he put on a costume that looked like a big rock.

That was odd…but it was the first thing to come to my mind. Review plz.


	2. Cheese

Chapter Two

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist…. If I did it would never be the same again…

Chapter Two: Cheese

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"Finally… A day when Ed won't bug me!" thought Roy Mustang, chuckling as he remembered a few minutes ago when he tied Edward to a chair in the dorms. He left his office to go celebrate his accomplishment at a strip bar with Havoc. When he got back, his office was covered with spray cheese. He thought of only one culprit… a certain small, blonde, annoying, state alchemist called Edward Elric.

"FULLMETAL!" Mustang roared, "GET IN HERE NOW!"

"Hello Colonel Sir! What do you need of me?" asked Ed, coming out from under the couch.

"Why in the name of the Fuhrer is my office covered in Cheese-Whiz?" asked Roy, trying to sound as calm as he could.

"Because, dear Colonel, I had no crackers," said Ed seriously.

"So it's okay to cover my office in Cheese-Whiz?" asked Roy.

"Yes. It is!" said Ed.

Mustang blinked and picked up the phone. He dialed, waited a minute, and was finally off hold. He asked for Second Lt. Jean Havoc, mumbled something to him, and hung up.

"So…What was that about?" asked Ed.

"You'll see," sighed Mustang, wiping some cheese off his chair so he could sit down, and decided not to when he had covered his hand in cheese. Havoc then came rushing through the door with tons of boxes of Ritz crackers.

"Erm…Happy Birthday Fullmetal!" said Havoc.

"A present for me?" asked Ed, holding back tears of joy.

"OH COME ON! IT'S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY!" yelled Roy.

"Sure?" asked Ed.

"I'm sure," sighed Roy.

"Really?" asked Ed.

"Really!" said Roy.

"Really really?" asked Ed.

"Oh brother!" yelled Roy.

"I love you!" said Ed.

"Eww," said Roy.

"END OF CHAPTER TWO!" yelled Havoc.

Ed and Roy stared at the Second Lt. with weird faces.

"Want some cheese?" asked Ed.

"Sure," said Roy, taking a cracker.

Me: That was weird huh?


	3. Vibrating State Alchemist

Chapter Three

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist…I can't even afford a bolt from Ed's arm…

Before I start chapter three I'd like to thank my reviewers. Thanks to Slaughtered.Wings, vampslayeraxle, and PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist377! I love you guys!

Chapter Three: Vibrating State Alchemist

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Colonel Roy Mustang was just sitting in his office when he heard a small buzzing sound coming from somewhere in the room. He looked around and saw nothing. The noises then stopped. He shrugged his shoulders and continued on with his work. The buzzing then started again. He looked around and again, saw nothing. He was about to start his work again and had an idea. He then moved over his stack of paperwork and saw Edward Elric. 

"You have my attention from the buzzing. Now what do you want Fullmetal?" asked Roy.

"IjusthadcoffeeandcoffeeisreallygooddoyoulikecoffeeIlikecoffee!" said Ed, very quickly.

"What?" asked Roy.

"COFFEEISREALLYGOODANDNOWIAMVERYHYPER!" yelled Edward.

"Can you talk any slower?" asked Roy.

"NOBECAUSECOFFEEHASCAFFINEANDIDRANKSOMEITWASGOOD!" yelled Ed.

"Alrighty then…what to do? What to do? What to do?" asked Roy. Then, he suddenly had an idea. He ran out of the room and got some milk. He put it in a coffee cup to give to Ed.

"WHAT'STHISISITCOFFEECANIDRINKITPLEASE?" asked Ed.

"If you asked what it was…it's coffee. If you want to drink it it's fine," said Roy.

Ed drank the milk and immediately calmed down.

"That was some good coffee. What was in it?" asked Ed.

"Oh…you know. Coffee beans, water, cream, milk, -"

"What was that last one?" asked Ed.

"Cream," said Roy quickly.

"No…you said milk," whispered Ed.

"I did?" pretended Roy.

"YOU MADE ME DRINK SOME OPAQUE WHITE LIQUID SECRETED FROM A COW?" roared Ed.

"Yes?" asked Roy.

"EVIL MILK!" yelled Ed.

Mustang promptly got up and left a steamed Edward in his office. He got some extra caffinated coffee and gave it to Ed.

"Why can't I ever win!" cried Roy while Ed hopped around the room, hyper.

Odd huh?


	4. Bonus Crap

Bonus Crap

Hey. Sorry I haven't had time to write. I've, sadly, had school. I wanted to put this up to say sorry. Also. If you have any ideas for something Ed could do to annoy Roy…I will be happy to put them in. But it would have to be after the next chapter because I'm almost done with it.

May Edward remain short,

Crazy


	5. Military Poker Day

Chapter Five

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. I can't even afford a piece of Edward's Hair.

Before I start chapter four I'd like to thank my reviewers. Thanks to Slaughtered.Wings, vampslayeraxle, PILLZ-ExXtheXxalchemist377, wolf in the mist, Unknown Reader, GamerGirlGG! I love you guys!

Chapter Five: Military Poker Day

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"Welcome all to the 21st official Military Poker Day!" yelled Fuhrer President King Bradley.

"Dammit," thought Roy, as he stood in attention to the Fuhrer's speech. " That means Edward will be here!"

"This year we have a special prize!" yelled the Fuhrer. "The one with the most chips at the end of the day will get to be Fuhrer tomorrow!"

Roy waited…and waited…and waited….but there was still no Ed. He shrugged his shoulders and sat down at a table with Hawkeye, Havoc, Fuery, Breda, and Falman. He put some chips in and looked at his cards. They were all calling raises, calls, bets, and folds, and Roy actually had a good time…until…he heard a voice say, "Got any two's?"

Yes…it was Edward Elric. He seems to have calmed down after the coffee incident in chapter 3.

"What?" asked Roy, confused by Edward's question.

"I said…do you have any 2's?" asked Edward, repeating the question.

"Um…Edward. We're playing poker. Not Go Fish," said Hawkeye.

"No fish?" asked Ed.

"No fish," said Hawkeye.

"Oh well," Ed sighed. " I guess I'll go have some coffee then."

"HELL NO!" yelled Roy, standing up.

Once he saw everyone staring at him, he quickly sat down.

Ed, once again, said, "Do you have any two's?"

Roy got so pissed of that he yelled, "THAT'S IT GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE FULLMETAL!"

Ed looked up at the colonel, surprised. On his way out, he said to Hawkeye, "Geez. He needs some caffine," and left.

Crazy: How'd you like them apples?

Ed: I don't see any apples…

Crazy: It's a phrase shrimp.

Ed: Oh okay then- WHO ARE YOU CALLIG SO SHORT THAT HE NEEDS A LADDER TO REACH THE TOILET!

Crazy: Bob?

Ed: Okay….

Bob: HEY!


	6. Clicky Pen

Clicky Pen's and Homework

Uh oh….this can't end well. Ed, do the disclaimer

Ed: She no no own us. Word.

Oo

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Mustang was just sitting at his desk, procrastinating as usual, when he heard a constant "click, click, click" sound.

"What Edward?" asked the Colonel, not looking up.

"I need help with my homework," said Edward, lying on the floor.

"I don't have time for this Fullmetal. I'm busy-"

"Procrastinating. I know," said Ed. "Just a little help?"

"Fine," sighed Roy. "What is it?"

"What is 2 times 2?" asked Ed.

"4 Fullmetal," said Roy. "Wait….you don't know what two times two is?"

"It's 4," said Ed.

"I know…" said Roy. "I just told you."

"Oh…yeah," said Ed.

"Need anymore help with questions that you should know the answers to?" asked Roy.

"No," said Ed.

"Good," said Roy, trying to fall asleep again.

"Click. Click. Click. Click."

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ANNOYING AS HELL SOUND?" yelled Roy, frustrated.

"Clicky pen," said Ed.

"Stop," said Roy.

"No," said Ed.

"Why?" asked Roy, a little past slightly annoyed.

"I'M BORED! THAT'S WHY!" yelled Ed.

"Go outside and count the cracks in the sidewalk," said Roy.

"Okay," said Ed, and went outside.

"Finally," mumbled Roy, getting drowsy. He had just fallen asleep when…

"I'M BACK!" yelled Ed, waking up Roy.

"GO AWAY AND LET ME SLEEP!" yelled Roy.

"Oi," said Ed, taking a step away from Roy.

"I thought you were outside counting the cracks in the sidewalk," said Roy.

"I'm done," said Ed.

"You counted every sidewalk crack in East City," asked Roy, surprised.

"No. I transmuted all the cracks away," said Ed, beaming.

"I forgot who I was dealing with," muttered Roy, and beat his head against his desk.

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Roy: Geez. I can't take much more…

Me: Too bad.

Ed: HI!

Roy: -runs away-

Ed: What's his problem?


	7. Dedication Chapter

Dedication Chapter

I dedicate this chapter to TriggerHappyRetard for giving me 10 ideas. You rock! Also, I'm not putting some of them in this chapter. They will be in the next chapter.

This one will be kinda long, so bare with me.

Roy's Birthday

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This was the one day that Roy had waited for all year…his Birthday. There were cries of happy birthday Colonel from all his subordinates. Then…in came Edward.

"Happy birthday Colonel!" yelled Edward.

"Hello Edward. Thanks for coming," he said, faking a smile.

"I got you something," said Ed.

"Really?" asked Roy. "Thank you!"

"I'll go get it," said Ed, leaving the room.

I wonder what he got me 

Ed came back into the room, by a rope, was pulling…a…llama into the room.

"IT'S LLAMA TIME!" yelled Ed. "I got you a llama. His name is Ducky."

"Wait…you got me a llama…named Ducky? Why?" asked Roy.

"Because I thought you'd like it," said Ed.

"HEY ROY! IT'S TIME FOR CAKE!" yelled Hughes.

"Yay! Finally!" yelled Roy.

After the whole room sang happy birthday, the cake was cut.

"OH MY GOSH! CAKE!" yelled Ed, looking at Roy.

"NO!" yelled Roy, running away from Ed.

Ed then jumped into the air and tackled Roy, and attempted to eat him.

"OKAY! WHO SWITCHED THE LABELS ON THE WATER AND THE VODKA?" shouted Hughes.

"ME!" yelled somebody who is random.

The whole room turned to look at the guy, who randomly ran out of the room screaming, "I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!"

The party continued after that odd moment, and Roy took a bite of his ice cream, not knowing that Ed had spiked his ice cream with laxatives, and suddenly he started to feel funny. Like he had to take a dump, but couldn't hold it in. He suddenly rushed to the bathroom, pulled down his pants, took off his gloves, and took the hugest dump in the history of huge dumps. He finally went back to the party after about twenty minutes. Once he got there, the one thing he didn't notice was Ed sneaking into the bathroom with a can of air freshener and some rubber gloves.

"Heh. This room smells funky. It's giving Ducky a headache. I'll spray this air freshener and throw these gloves away and hurry out."

He sprayed the air freshener and was getting ready to go when he spied….Roy's flame gloves. Ed got that evil smirk on his face, picked up the gloves, and flushed them down the toilet, never to been seen again. He laughed maniacally, and left the bathroom. Everyone heard him laughing but was oblivious to why he was laughing, and Ducky just stood there, eating a fake plant.

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Me: That was fun.

Roy: No it was not.

Ed: Yes it was.


	8. Dedication Chapter 2

Dedication Chapter 2

Here are some more of TriggerhappyRetards ideas.

Ed: She doesn't own us dudes and dudettes! 

Me: Oo

Chapter 8: Crazy Pineapples 

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Roy Mustang was mad. Very mad. Roy Mustang was as mad as anyone could be. Why is Roy Mustang mad? Edward had given him laxatives and flushed his gloves of course.

"Meow," cooed Ducky, eating the fake plant.

Roy gave Ducky an odd look and sat at his desk. Suddenly….

"COME PINEY! TO THE FRUIT CAVE!" yelled Edward, running into Roy's office.

"What in the name of the Fuhrer are you doing here Edward?" he asked, still mad about the previous nights escapade.

"Don't you love me anymore?" asked Ed, doing as cute face.

"Uh…." replied Roy. "Maybe?"

"Oh. Okay," said Ed, and he left the room.

"That was odd…" said Roy, as he was about to take a sip of coffee, remembered what happened last night, and decided not to.

Roy decided to go out for a bit and cool his head, but he would be in for a surprise later.

When he returned to his office, he stood, mouth wide open, staring at the floor, covered with oil.

"EDWARD" bellowed Roy, steam rising from his ears.

"What do you need sir?" asked…Piney? Oh wait. It was just Ed using a falsetto voice.

Knowing Ed wouldn't answer him in a normal tone of voice, he then replied to the pineapple, "Do you know why there's oil on the floor of my office?"

"Yes," replied 'Piney.' "We were going to freeze it to go ice skating, but it was too hot."

"The oil?" asked Roy.

"No…THE WORLD!!!!!" yelled 'Piney.'

Roy just had to go and walk around again. He left, and was muttering things about pineapples and oil, before returning again. He stood in the doorway and saw a large red box with a pink bow waiting for him on the oil-covered floor. The tag read, "Dear Colonel. Sorry I missed your birthday. I got you something. From, Piney."

He looked around and blinked. Did he just receive a birthday present from a pineapple? He shrugged his shoulders and opened the box. Five large red parrots flew out of it. He looked around for Edward and his pineapple. Little did he know, that among the bird poop, llama droppings, and oil….a small blonde and his pineapple were sneaking up behind him. As soon as he turned around, 'Piney' yelled, "NOW!" and Roy was thrown into the closet. Ed closed the door and locked it. Roy sighed and lit a candle he saw from the crack of light coming out from under the door. He examined his surroundings, like any good soldier would, and stopped when something yellow caught his eye. It was 'PINEY'! Suddenly, he felt the pineapple lunge at his face and he couldn't pull it off! Finally, the pineapple fell to the floor and rolled into the corner. Ed then unlocked the door.

"Didja kiss him Piney," Ed asked, excited for the answer.

"Yes," replied 'Piney.'

Roy sat up and said, "WHAT?"

Ed and 'Piney' looked over at him and laughed.

"What's so funny?" asked a very confused Colonel.

"YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT PINEY IS A GIRL PINEAPPLE. DID YOU?" laughed Ed.

"No…"said Roy, still confused, and starting to get angry since he was being laughed at. Ed and Piney continued to laugh until….

"THAT'S IT!" yelled Roy, putting on his spare gloves and smirking. "I'll be having fried shrimp tonight!"

"RUN FOR IT!" yelled Ed, grabbing Piney and Ducky, heading outside. Roy Mustang then chose that moment to snap his fingers. Yes. He forgot about the oil and snapped.

2 hours later

"May I visit Colonel Mustang?" Ed asked the hospital receptionist.

"Yes. Room 201 on the fifth floor," she replied.

He headed to Mustang's room and when he got there, he saw a heavily bandaged man. The only part that wasn't bandaged was his head.

"OH COLONEL! PINEY AND I APOLOGIZE!" yelled Ed, standing next to him.

"Ed? Is that you?" asked Roy, groggily.

"Yes. Yes it is," said Ed. "What's wrong with him, doc?" Ed asked the nearest doctor.

"He suffers from third degree burns and an unexplainable fear of pineapples," replied the doctor.

"I wonder where he got that," said Ed, and left, putting Piney on the table so the two of them could visit.

"How's the weather," asked Piney.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Roy cried insanely, as Ed ran from the building.

Roy: Grr

Me: Don't blame me!

Roy: Oh? Why not? –grumble rant-

Me: …LOOK! A PINEAPPLE!

Roy: Ack! –runs away-

Ed: Too easy.


End file.
